
Mothering is complicated in my world. I didn't have a really great relationship with mine like I did with my Father and it wasn't because she was a bad mother. Not at all. She was a stay-at-home Mom who made wonderful food and never raised her voice in anger at us. She had empathy and served as a pastor's wife in many capacities. I like to say she was the unrecognized and unpaid pastor’s assistant, organist, choir director, bible study leader, shoulder to cry on, fantastic potluck cook, housekeeper, and organizer.
Mothering is tough when demands outside the home become too much.
She encouraged creativity giving us all piano and voice lessons. She was fun, too. I remember one New Year's Eve celebration and how she led all of us outside with our wooden spoons to bang on pots and pans at the stroke of midnight. We also moved a lot but every time we did she made it an adventure. I loved adventures.
Mothering is tough enough, but imagine how tough it might be with a child who has unexpected or difficult needs.
I would have had an exceptional childhood if it wasn't for my extreme sensitivity to everything. Certain sounds seemed to amplify in my head and I'd cringe, hands flying to cover my ears. I couldn't sleep with any light in the room so I'd drape a blanket over my eyes. The worst was feeling emotions all around me. I could tell if my parents were stressed or had disagreements because there was an undercurrent of uneasiness that floated right into me and I would immediately feel the same way. I felt things from other people, too, and sometimes I couldn't tell the difference between their feelings and my own. A mere look of disapproval from anyone would send me into waves of fear, shame or pain. I was a little perfectionist so I could heap disapproving judgment on myself, too.
In my birth family two sisters were born fifteen months and six years after I was born, so my Mom had her hands full. In addition to being a really good cook, she was a talented seamstress. The red velvet dresses with white feathery trim she made for each of us one Christmas felt like a princess dress. Outfits to wear to church on Easter Sunday were whipped up on her old Singer sewing machine, too, when she had the time. The only time I saw her cry was when she came running into the bedroom where the three of us were playing while a meeting was happening. I don't know what actually happened but she was devastated. We comforted her as best we could and then back she went to her meeting.
Mothering is tough. Imagine how tough it might be while caring for and facing the death of a spouse. Children's needs don't go away just because bad things happen.
Her toughness was needed when my father became seriously ill and had to be flown to a major city for emergency care. He'd been in bed for a week and then started to turn yellow. She organized getting him to the hospital, care for us while she was gone, and did it all with speed and grace. He almost died, but didn't. He did, however, need to take a whole year to recuperate. My Mom got us packed up and drove us to another big city to live. She found places to rent and a teaching job to support us financially through it all. My Mother was an intelligent, hard-working and resilient Mom.
It may be surprising to the reader that our relationship was distant and that the times when I really needed her, she was too busy to pay attention to my difficulties. Strange things happened to me and when they did I'd go to her for help and comfort but I was told to see my Father, or go back to bed, or I'd hear an exasperated, "Oh, Alice". I began to believe that because the terrifying things I was going through didn't seem to matter to her, I didn't matter to her either. Keep in mind I was a very sensitive child and the terrifying things were strange dreams and on one occasion frightening spirits. They weren't incidences that could be seen by anyone but me. Still, they tortured and scared me deeply. Fortunately, my mother and I managed to restore our relationship just before she died.
Mothering is tough when there's no Mothering Manual to follow and every child has unique wants and needs.
On this Mother's Day, my tribute is to all those mothers whose children feel loved, to all those mothers who love their children deeply and struggle to show it, and to all those mothers whose grown children don't want anything to do with them. As a mother, myself, that bond between my children and I is a bond that never, ever stops no matter what the circumstances are. But, if one of my children was so hurt and couldn't stand to even talk with me, I would do just about anything to restore our relationship. Children sometimes need to find things out on their own and sometimes mothers are humans who make mistakes. I'd send love everyday to that child and myself. I'd take the time to forgive any wrongdoing or trauma on both sides.
Mothering is tough but love is a powerful force and something we can count on when we can't do or say anything.
The most enduring act mothers and their children could do on this day, or any day, is to address their separateness in a way that says, I see you and I love you, despite any rifts and struggles that have divided you. The best mothering gift is presence. The best present a mother can receive from her children at any time, in my opinion, is children who acknowledge that mothering is tough. Purchased gifts are nice but don't quite cut it if your mother/child relationships need a life-boat!
Think about it. A child who can overcome and move through any kind of trauma with their mother and then is able to give back to her, in the ultimate act of forgiveness, would move all us mothers to tears of joy.
Mothering is  is both tough and rewarding beyond measure, so on this Mother's Day reach out. Give each other the gift of presence through the eyes and heart of love.
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