Borrow the beloved’s eyes. Look through them and you’ll see the beloved’s face everywhere. No tiredness, no jaded boredom. ‘I shall be your eyes and your hands and your loving. Let that happen, and things you have hated will become helpers'. — Rumi
(Ohotto, Robert. Transforming Fate Into Destiny (p. 151). Hay House. Kindle Edition.)
I've talked about patterns before. This time the pattern I see unfolding everywhere is one of us versus them. Protests for and against both sides are filled with hate speech. In coffee shops, small groups mutter and complain about who can and cannot afford a house or how homeless people have taken over our parks.
Let's look at othering and belonging at the personal level. Perhaps you can relate. In the past, I've experienced friends slowly drifting away one by one. I was hurt by some and happy about others, but I started to wonder if I was missing something. Perhaps there was a part of me that was repelling other people. Perhaps there was a shadow side of me that needed to be looked at and understood. Carl Jung first used the term 'shadow self' to describe the things people repress or don't like to look at in themselves but there can be no progress without coming to terms with the very things we don't want to look at inside.
I immediately thought of Robert Ohotto’s shadow work in his book, Transforming Fate into Destiny. (citation above) He describes shadow work, when it comes to relationships, as 'shadow dancing' which means you may attract someone into your life that will show you more clearly what your shadow sides are. For example, if you’re having trouble being assertive, you may attract people who are controlling and manipulative. Weak boundaries? You may attract those who invade your boundaries on a regular basis. Don’t like what others are dishing out? Perhaps there’s something inside you that recognizes that thing in others. The point Robert makes is true. There are two people shadow dancing and one of them is you.
As one of the shadow dancers, I had to take a look at my friendships in a new light. What was there between us that caused our relationships to end? Did those relationships die a natural death as I was changing rapidly inside? Probing a little further, I could have said something that was hurtful to them but didn't realize it. I’d done that foot-in-mouth thing before. It’s always a truth, but the truth without compassion is just brutal. There's a shadow side in there I need to look at, for sure.
Researching othering for this blog, I came across an article that also mentions our shadow sides:
Othering isn’t just a false path to belonging. We might also see it as the shadow side of belonging.
Intrigued, I read further and found Toni Morrison's quote:
What is the nature of Othering's comfort, its allure, its power (social, psychological, or economical)? Is it the thrill of belonging - which implies being part of something bigger than one's solo self, and therefore stronger? My initial view leans toward the social/psychological need for a ‘stranger,’ an Other in order to define the estranged self …. (Kim Samuel, “How to Reverse the Psychology of Othering”, Psychology Today, May 11, 2023, peer reviewed by Michelle Quirk
Othering, today, is a term that loosely means to puff oneself or one's group up to the detriment of another, different group. It has led directly to prejudice, colonialism, and the polarization we see playing out on the world's stage today. It infiltrates our Western Society in ways we don't see until it happens to us. There are more subtle ways of othering working even in self-help and healing groups as we jockey with our modalities.
The tendency to stick with our own kind is ingrained in us for survival, but what happens when one of our kind evolves and the group doesn't like how they evolved? The group is faced with making a choice. Remember the group needs the 'other' to define itself so any differences must lead to redefining the group or closing ranks and distancing themselves from the different and potentially dangerous evolver.
Familial groups grapple with othering and belonging, too, as our concepts about family has changed much over the last century. When the family group is a certain way and one of that group is different in a way the family can't or won't support, the fallout strikes everyone at the heart level. Maybe reaching for the heart level is what we need to overcome othering. Perhaps that will help us grasp a more inclusive viewpoint and hold on to it tightly while our groups are listening to each other and searching for that common ground even if the only result is to agree that each person is human and therefore valued and loved.
My point is that groups outside of family can also operate from that fundamental heart baseline of openness and compassion toward its members AND extend that baseline to others who might be different. I submit, to have the ability to do this, we must first do the work of knowing ourselves, our own shadows and who we choose to be when the chips are down.
Is there an antidote to othering? From my viewpoint there is. I'd been grappling with polarization and have said many times we must look at our differences from a higher viewpoint to be able to find commonalities. I believe this is the key to less othering and more belonging. Sometimes it requires a bridge, a peace offering or even just compassionate listening. If we can foster a strong will to find commonalities, they will be found.
We don’t always know how our attitudes and biases will ripple out around us. We don’t know exactly what effect it will have in our own lives let alone the broader world around us. I do know the more we do the work of seeing ourselves and each other as human and worthy of being valued and loved, the less othering will take place. Sometimes it may only take seeing two puzzle pieces and knowing they fit together in the bigger picture.
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