Have you ever stood at the proverbial fork in the road and couldn't decide which road to take? Which choice would be better for me, for those around me, for my life, for their lives, for the future? How do I weigh the options?
I've lived a full life, faced many dilemmas and, no doubt, will still face more. When I was a less experienced age, I couldn't help wishing I had a better-meter, you know, the kind that weighs each choice in a bucket and then lets you know by weight and substance whether one option is better than the other. Alas, I didn't find the best better-meter ever until much later in life.
When I was a fresh-faced twenty-something, I had to choose between staying in a job I really liked and taking a job offer that had come out of the blue. Panicked, I knew I had to make a decision within about a week and didn't know which one to choose. They were both about the same amount in pay, both offered opportunities for growth within the companies, and both were jobs I could see myself enjoying. I loved to learn and they were both offering plenty of that, too. I talked to fellow employees in my current job, scouted out future opportunities in the new job offer, and then looked at both of my bosses. My current boss had been fair in assigning jobs and was about to offer someone a chance to do a big job in another city for a few weeks. It was a huge responsibility and I knew I was ready for it. The new boss liked how I worked and saw the potential for me to excel at the job he was offering me. What to do! The clincher came as two employees who had been at my current job longer than myself mentioned that women in the company weren't promoted in the past. I was naïve and believed them, unfortunately. I should have done my due diligence and talked to my current boss about opportunities in the future for me, but I didn't and jumped ship to the new job.
I started my search for a better-meter by analyzing what building blocks were necessary to make great decisions. Fact checking was an obvious first choice. Get your journalist hat on and gather all the facts you can about both choices. If you're sleuthing online, find a minimum of three known and credible sources for each fact you want to check. Be ruthlessly diligent and detached about what your research reveals. Knowing myself at a much deeper level would be another building block. I didn't know myself well, then, so choosing a job was based only on material facts. I didn't know about the importance of considering which choice would be aligned with who I was and my life's purpose. You don't always have to make a choice, either. If the new offer is too close to call to the current job, you might question why you're even entertaining something new. Consider waiting for something that lights you up inside. Hint, it's not money!
Getting the facts and knowing yourself are great building blocks, but what about choosing when an emotion like love is involved? I was twenty-ish when I was faced with what I thought was a difficult choice. My boyfriend was fun, athletic, and had a really great job. He'd asked me to marry him and while I was excited, I also had a pit in the middle of my stomach. We knew each other fairly well but hadn't discussed marriage at all. What were our goals and what about children? I knew I wanted children and also wanted someone who could parent together as a team. I don't know why I wanted that but I knew it was what I wanted. I didn't even know whether this boyfriend wanted children. He answered somewhat glibly that if I wanted to have kids, he was OK with that but I would have to take care of them. That heavy, sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach had registered that something fundamental was not compatible. The value I placed on having and rearing children together was formed long before I faced this choice, so his answer made my response easier. We parted ways.
It was interesting to me that my body registered its discontent when thinking about this person as a life partner. We don't even consider our bodies in our decisions but when the heart is confused, our bodies can transmit the message if we're listening or paying attention. That's another building block. Listen to yourself first with everything that makes you, you, like your body, brain, heart, gut, intuition, and soul. Listen to all of you. In the above case, I did get my body's message and trusted it.
At middle-age, I realized my life was turning out the way it was supposed to turn out for a stubborn, driven person with a very busy brain. Laura Alden Kamm, medical intuitive, teacher, and spiritual counsellor, coined the term Walking-Head Buddha Syndrome, and it applied perfectly to my life thus far:
Overuse technology, be empathic, forget to exercise and eat well, no time for yourself, over think everything, worry, practice perfectionism, and keep your mind in high gear to the degree you can’t slow it down any more. Add these ingredients together, while layering inherent talents, sprinkle in overzealous habits, and stir with a dollop of poor sleep and the art of plate spinning. Voilà ...
(Laura Alden Kamm, https://www.laurakamm.com/blog/are-you-a-walking-head-buddha)
Add really tough issues to the mix and that was me as described, then stir in a betrayal or a psychological condition involving someone close to you. Those are the most trying and difficult life events anyone could go through and I went through both. How do you get beyond the pain to even make clear choices? Which fundamental building block would you lean on and what better-meter would help you choose what to do then?
My family chose to cut ties with me for reasons I still don't understand completely. My ex-spouse had a psychological condition that escalated to abuse. I knew forgiveness and healing was key to dealing with my pain. I saw a great counselor and, in time, moved on. Getting professional help is a good building block. Sometimes you need another perspective. My life was calmer and more stable without my siblings and ex-spouse, but I spent years agonizing over what went wrong.
Knowing there is no excuse for abuse of any kind, I also knew that I needed to pivot into a person who could forgive them and who would not accept destructive behavior from anyone, moving forward. That's a healthy choice to make. The real building block I discovered here, though, was to forgive myself for any part I played in my family's choice, and my ex-spouse's condition. Forgiveness is a fundamental building block that benefits all parties especially when identifying with the wronged party. It got me out of victim mode and helped me move on. The effect, when I forgave myself, was a release of years of worry, memories of pain, and the incessant "did I do something to deserve this" mantle I'd draped over my hunched shoulders. What followed immediately after was a complete surprise. A profound peace filled every cell, every emotion, and every part of my being.
Bottom line? Our souls are connected to the highest source of wisdom. Searching inward, that source helped me choose to forgive myself and release all the muck I'd hung onto. With the help of my soul, I measured myself in my own bucket, added forgiveness, threw out the destructive stuff and found the best better-meter, ever!
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