Conversations That Matter

My husband and I are sitting in a hospital waiting room. Naturally, I pull out my phone to write. That’s what I do while I’m waiting in a hospital, except this time he wanted to chat.

“What’s that tattoo?” A patient with a tattoo barely visible on her neck was sitting across the aisle from us.

“I think it’s a butterfly.”

“If I had a lot of money, I’d love to get more tattoos.”

“What kind of tattoos would you like?”

“A ship’s anchor, because I’ve always loved them; a quarter note and an eighth note on a musical staff.”

I had no idea, after 27 years of marriage, that he wanted those tattoos. When we first met, almost 30 years ago, I put my hand on his upper arm. I don’t remember why, but when I did, he winced. Rolling up his sleeve, he proudly showed me his freshly inked gecko.

In today’s conversation, I learned something new about my husband, and we shared a moment of understanding. Tender flashbacks of the first time we met face-to-face in a favourite coffee shop flooded my memory. Our conversation seemed to have a deeper level than the words we shared. He’s an engaging person, then and now, full of curiosity with a memory stuffed with facts and trivia. Underneath his obvious intelligence was a person who engaged my heart. Below our surface dialogue, and even though I had just met him, there was a connection that left me feeling uplifted.

We don’t always think about deeper layers of conversation when we take part in a conversation. Sometimes I catch myself thinking about what I’m going to say while the other person is still talking. That’s my ego trying to appear intelligent while not paying attention or being connected. This habit immediately disconnects and robs us both of a more meaningful dialogue.

Two conversations with strangers recently engaged my heart. In both cases, the strangers and I began with light conversation, but it quickly became much deeper as I asked questions and they revealed more about what they were going through. The conversation felt effortless as each question and response gently probed deeper until it was clear they had gone as far as they were comfortable.

These were not people who told their victim stories over and over. Victim stories are obvious cues that unhealed trauma is still running amok inside. They may or may not be ready to give up their story; however, for them to feel someone is genuinely hearing them, active and empathetic listening is crucial. These people need our presence. The conversations I’m describing in this post require both parties’ willingness to engage at that deeper level.

When I think about how these deeper conversations happen, I believe they happen when we suspend judgment of the people around us long enough to be present. They also happen when we ask ourselves an important question—Who am I being in this conversation? What else can we do to improve our conversations? Short answer, practise gratefulness. I used to get annoyed when other people talked about gratitude because all I heard were grocery lists—sunshine, new shoes, money, my new car, health. Words are powerful, but a grocery list of gratitude loses power. Without a connection with the heart and soul, I would struggle just as much to identify genuine gratefulness as they would to express it.

Still, we’re less likely to dwell on our own stories and more likely to remain open to each other if gratitude is a meaningful practice. I am profoundly thankful for the tangible world that surrounds me and for the gift of another day. Remembering, I feel a profound appreciation for the transformation I experienced, from hiding my true self, to fear of being vulnerable, to just being present with someone, stranger or not.

In fact, every conversation that elevates our feelings and engages our hearts is an opportunity to receive another gift. Recall the most exquisite meal you have ever enjoyed. How did it make you feel: satisfied, amazed, wonderful, enthused, joyful? Chances are it was an experience that left you feeling enriched and forever changed. Maybe it was the person you were with that also made it so memorable.

That change is a gift from the heart and soul. I believe we’ve neglected and maybe even forgotten this aspect of face-to-face conversation. It’s so easy to get lost in our phones or laptops when we’re out and about in grocery lines, parking lots, hospital waiting rooms, and in coffee shops. Curiosity and intuition often help to start conversations.

A woman stooped slowly over her grocery cart, loading her groceries. I’d been listening to the conversation she and the grocery clerk were having. I found out she was in her nineties and did her own shopping, often walking to the store.

“Do you want some help?”

“No, I don’t.”

“I couldn’t help hearing that you were in your nineties. What is your best tip for living such a long life?”

The woman’s voice sounded raspy but strong and a little impatient. She turned her head upward, her clear, steely eyes boring into mine.

 “All I can say is keep moving, or you’ll lose it.”

She finished packing her grocery cart and was walking away by the time I mumbled thank you to this amazing woman.

When we share moments of understanding, connect our hearts and souls, tap into our intuition, cultivate curiosity, practice gratitude, and acknowledge the gift that conversations can be for our lives, we engage in dialogue that truly matters. These are the conversations that can change our lives. The best ones are when they offer both of you gifts you didn’t know you needed.