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Getting What You Really Want



After 25 years, Chris and I are on our way south for our second vacation, ever! The other interpretation of “on our way”, is starting something important like a personal growth journey. Both of these interpretations interlock and express an underlying depth on how we get what we really want.


We were so involved with our blended family of 4 children as they grew up. We moved provinces to be with my parents in their last years of life, changed professions and our home, multiple times. Vacations just didn’t seem possible, but in a few days we’re on our way south to San Antonio, Texas, for a week of family, fun, and southern food to visit Chris’ 91 year old father, his wife, his brother and two sisters. We’ve been talking about this trip for years, through my partner’s stroke in 2013, my illness in 2017, and then the pandemic. Multiple plans were made and hopes dashed because something happened.


Isn’t that the way it goes? We live our lives and go through phases and stages. We’re busy with our jobs, our children, our relationships, and we don’t spend time going on vacations, or on improving ourselves. I’ve talked and written about striving to progress in every area of my life but I had major patterns that governed how I strived. Striving is very different from thriving. I tended to react emotionally to circumstances that were about making enough money to survive and I certainly wasn’t getting what I wanted. Surviving was definitely my modus operandi.


The first steps to getting what you want are often the hardest and involve some sort of change in our psyche. We may feel a kind of longing for something intangible, or might experience dissatisfaction with our job, our life, our friends or our partner, our co-workers, our boss. You get the picture, however, the common denominator is ourselves. The common factor is what’s inside us.


We knew seeing Chris' family was our priority. We longed to take that trip down south and we needed a time away. There were other priorities we chose to put on the 'later' shelf so when we discussed going on this holiday, we both were very clear on what we really wanted and why. This is an important first step in getting what we want. Most of us tend to gloss over or skip this one altogether and most of us think we know what we really want but we really don’t. Dig deep, here. What do you think about when your mind isn’t busy? What do you say you’ll do or be when you play the ‘if I win the lottery’ game? Can you get specific? Once you get clear on what you want and why, you will need clarity on what obstacles might be blocking what you want. Stay with the ‘what’. Try not to get right into the ‘how’ of getting what you want just yet. It tends to change as you change inside.


Money is certainly one of the biggest obstacles to getting what we really want, at least that’s what I thought. By itself, money is not an obstacle at all. It’s how we feel about it that says everything. How do we feel when there’s not enough, when there’s just enough to pay the bills, or when we suddenly get a windfall we’re not expecting? These are powerful emotions as they tap into a fundamental need for safety. Maybe your attitude is not tied to your financial situation and you have more than enough to live well. Perhaps there’s another area needing an attitude reset? I know people who are financially well off, but they hoard it and do NOT love their life. If we’re human, we tend to need attitude adjustments in multiple areas of our lives. How’s your relationship with food?


The second step is noticing your attitude around the thing that holds power over your emotions. “Why should I let money (or substitute anything else that’s pulling your emotional strings) dictate how I feel?” I asked myself one day. “It’s an inanimate object that has no power over me unless I allow it.” I began by noticing when my emotions changed around money, then chose each time to return back to a neutral state. It took a while before I felt a difference, but, in time, there was a change. We need money to buy necessities, to live and survive, however, getting bent out of shape because we don’t have it or feeling euphoric because we suddenly have more than enough clouds our decision-making process. Our negative or euphoric emotions contribute to questionable reasoning and immediately shuts down our creative ability to think of solutions. As I noticed my attitude more and dug deeper, my awareness grew. I began noticing I was spending money on things I thought helped me feel better, like clothing or chocolate. I started to plan and budget for things we needed ahead of time. Gradually my general emotional state was happier.


Notice the attitude change! We have less money than we had before but Chris and I followed a plan with realistic, not austere, goals and were able to save a little bit every month toward our trip. No, it wasn’t easy because other obstacles got in the way like the day we found out our only car was not worth the cost of repairing! We found a solution that worked and it didn’t involve spending our trip money.


Let’s review. To get what you want there are a couple of first steps. Step 1. Get clear on what you really want and why, then set priorities, and Step 2. Reset the attitude toward anything that holds power over your emotions. Two steps done with care, kindness and diligence will make a positive difference in your life. They can be the catalysts for amazing changes. At the beginning of this blog, I mentioned that the ‘how’ changes when you change inside. It does! It starts to change as soon as your attitude and emotions start changing. The ‘how’ becomes easier because ideas flow and stimulate your creative problem-solving abilities. Suddenly, solutions and ideas about how to get what you want appear effortlessly like getting a new car and saving our trip money.


Resetting your attitude starts with a decision to consider the why of the emotions that hold you back and follow the reasons back to their original source. The original source could be from an incident or trauma you had when you were young that formed beliefs to help you cope. As an adult, those beliefs no longer work for you. If this is the case, to reset your attitude, those old beliefs need to transition from limiting into empowering beliefs. The new empowering beliefs will then help you release the old emotions and form new positive attitudes. There are many ways to do this and it’s up to you to find the best way for you. Two steps and you’re on your way. Are they easy? No, they're not.


Next week, we’ll be on our way, too. Was it easy getting to this point? No, it wasn't. I’m excited to visit favorite food spots, the SAMA (San Antonio Museum of Art), historical sites and, of course, books stores especially those connected with coffee shops. Most of all, I’m excited to laugh and listen and soak up time set aside to just be with family. How often do we get that time? How often do we really appreciate each family member for who they are? Did any statements about family or childhood trauma or vacations stimulate unpleasant thoughts or feelings? Did it stir up negative emotions? Step one, step two. You’re on your way, dear readers, on your way to getting what you really want.


Author's Note: This work can stir up trauma and strong emotions. If you're concerned at all about your emotional health, DO NOT attempt these steps without professional help.


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