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How Do We Stop Fighting?
How are we supposed to stop fighting with each other when we don’t know how to stop fighting ourselves? That question came out of nowhere as I sat in front of my computer waiting for the writing muses to speak. They always do, or they show me a book to read or, as in last week’s blog, The Truth is Not Irrelevant, they showed me a documentary to watch. I recalled a few recent examples of fighting myself and intuitively understood that to stop meant to give up, submit, or surrender, the opposite of fighting. Thus began my exploration for deeper insight into surrender.
The first example occurred on Monday when I went to pick up our mail. There was one envelope with a traffic violation ticket inside. According to the pictures, I had run a red light. I plan to dispute this ticket, as I know the light was green when I entered the intersection behind a very large and slow-moving truck. By the time I made my turn, the light I couldn’t see because the big truck was blocking it, had turned red. What did they want me to do? Back up, get stuck in a very busy intersection, and block the entire road? Did I make a mistake?
Part of letting go, or surrendering is allowing your perfectionist self to be human. Humans make mistakes. If I did something wrong and deserved my fine I’ll pay it, but the worst was sentencing myself to an evening of self-flagellation for getting a ticket. I tried to console myself, but even to myself I sounded whiny. It’s only the second one in twenty-five years. See what I mean? These are the actions of a busy person on a tight budget with perfectionist tendencies fighting herself and not surrendering.
Yesterday, still not feeling settled, another facet of surrender surfaced as I watched a talk show with my husband. A young actress and musician was being interviewed about “delulu”. My ears perked up because I had no idea what that word meant other than a cutesy way to say delusional? Her words registered in me as turmoil between a worldly definition of success and my exploration of surrender as she explained to her interviewer:
We are in the resurrection era and it feels real nice being delusional and I will continue to be delusional until it gets me to the top. Delulu is believing in myself, never doubting anything, and knowing I’m number one.1
Could she really understand what she was saying? I did a little digging and watched a longer interview of this stunning lady, and she relates that there was healing involved in her “resurrection” or transformation. She also stated her desire was to be a good human, “cause hurt people, hurt people.”2 As she spoke with humour and strength, I believed she had done a good deal of inner and outer work in getting where she’s at today; after all, she’d begun her career at age 13. Her goal of being number one, however, hints at fighting other people if they also want to be number one. I’ve also pushed hard to accomplish my self-imposed agenda to transform into my passion and purpose. Pushing is not a surrendered state. Perhaps it is also a lack of trust in anyone but me.
Our old survival brain tells us we must provide for ourselves and our families at all costs. Kill or be killed. Get what you need before someone else takes it. Fear of never having enough, FOMO, feeds what we think are our needs. Remember the rush to buy toilet paper in the early days of the COVID crisis? Our behaviour can be a kind of automatic response to aggression or unfairness thanks to that old survival wiring, our reptilian brain, that makes us grab the last roll of toilet paper.
Speaking of reptilian brain, two weeks ago, I was driving down a side road paying attention to the 40KM speed sign. I pulled out just beyond the blind corner so I could see the traffic to turn right. A man came stomping out of the blind spot around my car, glaring like he wanted to eat me for breakfast. Then he motioned to roll down my window. I complied and sat there as he gave me double hockey sticks for almost hitting him and driving too fast. Still waving his arms in the air, he finally turned away, shaking his head and muttering. In the silence that followed, surrendering was the last thing I thought about. To avoid escalation into potential violence, I agreed to everything the man said and apologized. My hand trembled as I rolled my window back up. Had I agreed to avoid violence or did I just release my need to be right? Neither of those options was close to the surrender I’m exploring.
Could it be that the pursuit of power and money to the exclusion of all else is reptilian brain behaviour taken to the extreme? What about success? The accepted practice is that the people and countries with the most money and/or the most power at the expense of other people and other countries are the most successful. What about happiness? Are most people in those countries truly happy more than half the time?
Browsing at one of my second-hand bookstores last week, I found Judith Orloff's book The Ecstasy of Surrender. I found her an excellent resource when researching my first book. So does surrendering make us happy? Judith Orloff, M.D., says:
Happiness is here, now, present in every moment, if you allow it.... Surrendering to what is, instead of bearing down or freaking out, is a fundamental secret to being happy.3
She also says:
The infinite kind of power I'm talking about ... is fluid, cellular, a force that keeps growing within. Accessing it requires a light touch and a willingness to get out of your own way so it can flow. You are a vessel for this power, never the master of it.
By now you have surmised that I believe the answer to how we can stop fighting ourselves is to surrender to that infinite power and get out of our own way. It also requires us to trust this power so it can flow through us. I still struggle, but not worrying automatically raises my happiness level and reduces my stress, making it easier to think and listen to my intuition more clearly. That’s progress.
In this exploration, I’ve explored some examples of fighting with myself. A more expanded answer, I believe, is in Judith Orloff’s “Infinite Power” source. In my understanding, when we surrender it is to the heart via our soul that we relinquish control. That doesn’t mean we lose our power. It means listening to our intuition through the source of all wisdom and unconditional love, that infinite power, to help us decide the next step or the next action. Sounds like I'm trying to convince myself, doesn't it?
This morning I slept in, but still had time to finish my blog and social media posts. Frantically, I blitzed through checking the post before my regular family duties needed attention. I felt panicked, blood pressure rising with every shallow breath I took. Snapping at my husband, I scolded him, saying that I was dealing with a deadline. My heart sank under the weight of guilt. My husband is a loving man and didn’t deserve my trumped-up wrath.
Out of the blue, the lightbulb crashed into my thick skull! I set that deadline and I could change it. Relief washed over me and settled my nervous system even more as I extended the deadline and apologized sincerely to my husband. I realized what I needed to do and accomplished the first phase of surrender—reverse course, stop pushing, settle myself down, and listen.
The second phase is much harder—letting go of the results.
Oof, that is the hardest.
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