Where Have You Been All My Life?

Being me was one of the hardest things to figure out. Self-worth is essential to loving oneself and, with my perfectionist lens firmly in place, wasn't even possible. At different times during my life, events would remind me that even if I didn't love myself I could at least care for myself.

For example, being around other people was uncomfortable and being myself didn't feel safe either, so I adopted my own form of protection and led a less social life than other kids my own age. More often than not, my nose was stuck in a book. I was an introvert, so I learned that caring was spending time alone.

The social circles I did have were school, sports and church. While I was occupied with any of those circles I noticed I didn't have to be myself and would revert to the good student, the persistent athlete, or the dutiful preacher's kid. I got a lot of positive reinforcement from those roles, too. Why mess with something that worked until it didn't.

I don't have any training in psychology, nor am I an expert on anyone else's life. I have, however, spent a LOT of time reading, taking courses, and attempting to sort out my own life. I learned from experience, trauma, from human social and cultural influences, and from my interactions with others. I learned a little bit about how I was seen by others and, truthfully, it wasn't anything like the crafted persona I'd used to cover up the real me.

To understand this inability to know myself or even say I loved myself, let's take a look at the possible reasons. Maybe you can relate? I was brought up in the fish bowl of the life of the pastor's family and the stakes were high. How godly can one be if one's children are hooligans, right? I felt pressure from a very early age to try to be perfect so I would reflect a good image for my parents. I was the oldest child and decided that was my duty.

We all know how well trying to be perfect goes but it was a survival pattern. I also reasoned that if I was able to hide the real me, which, of course, was far from perfect, the task might be easier. And it was for awhile. I became a little chameleon, able to fit in anywhere, in any situation. There were pitfalls! When studying archetypes, this trait I was so proud of described the Shape-shifter. I had the ability to navigate through different levels of consciousness. That explained my vivid dreams and my penchant for daydreaming. It also described a certain lack of stability and my fourteen careers.

Ever been to a prairie potluck? They were an incredible array of the best of the best in homemade food brought to celebrate an event or holiday. At church potlucks, my Mother would instruct us to choose a small portion from every dish so no-one would feel their dish was not as tasty as the others. At one of the holiday potlucks, I took my Mother's instructions literally. My plate was full after the first go' round. I had to go back for a second and then a third time to taste a little bit from each dish. Such was my zeal to reflect a good image. In the end I ran home and lay on my parent's bed clutching my stomach and moaning. That was the first time I remember my projected image hijacking my physical well-being. I was ten year's old.

As a child, I was semi-successful at hiding myself but as an adult, not so much. It took me a long time to unravel what was going on. There were dreams, visions, and healing events that pointed to the real me. I discovered the patterns and roles running my life. I slowly turned reacting to life into creating one that aligned with who I actually was. I became aware of the hiding pattern I adopted to survive and how little I valued myself.

I continued learning and became aware of a deeper truth, a universal truth. We all face a crossroads, a fundamental, life-altering choice at least once in our lifetime. Mine was a question. Do I continue broadcasting a false image of me to the world and tell myself I'm a victim, OR, do I tear the wall down, blast the likeness of me to smithereens and become a creator of my own life? There is only choose or don't choose.

After all the surviving and hiding I decided to stop. It wasn't easy and this choice could have had a lot more negative consequences. My amazing partner in life seemed to know the real me from the beginning and so did my children. I felt accepted, loved and had the freedom to make the choice daily to be myself. I am the same introverted, female, human of Swedish descent I always was, but I was now free from the constraints of the roles (and their endless variations) I put on myself to appear to be the good student, the persistent athlete, or the dutiful preacher's kid. I was free to ditch the perfectionist and be me. Unfortunately, I realized that not being me had become a really bad habit!

I worked hard at finding and facing the real me. A lot more growth happened and I made some startling discoveries along the way. Today, I'm loving my life and my real self as the playful, quirky, imperfectly perfect, almost 70-year-old me you see in this blog's photo. The core of me knows, without a doubt, that I am worthy and that I deserve to be here as myself. Perhaps the best of all is I can finally look myself in the mirror and say, "Where have you been all my life?"